So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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