So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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