Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
