you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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