I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When are your genitals available?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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