i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
