I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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