He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
