he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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