Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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