I am puke
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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