I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
