I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
