I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
