were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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