There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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