The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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