I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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