My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
