i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
