we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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