Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
