SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
