I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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