Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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