I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize