dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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