exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize