I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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