I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
