I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
