we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
