I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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