There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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