i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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