did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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