i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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