Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
