When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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