**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
