he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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