You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
