The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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