I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
