I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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