Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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