I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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