i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Rumble strips road head = magical
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
