i wish my penis had a tongue
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
