there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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