His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
