You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
