Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm like, not good at living.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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