How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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