the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
