I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
