dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
