Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
