My hand turned me down
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
